Sometimes I Pretend.

Food: Blueberry-kale smoothie with fish oil, Butter Toffee coffee pod

Drugs: Overnight—Zyrtec, Benadryl, Singulair, Trazodone, SS. Morning—Zyrtec, 4 IB

Symptoms: Sore right side of back, slight soreness in right arm

***

This morning I did this thing I do sometimes, which is where I decide maybe I’ve reached some turnaround point and everything will be okay. Why I thought this when I had pain in my back and arm enough to take drugs, I don’t know. But I do this sometimes, ride a ray of hope where I imagine myself in one of those amazing post-pictures on a bike all thin and buff.  The funny thing is I do its opposite too, where I flail in despair and fear I will only get worse and die at forty-five.

The truth is, I’m pretty sure I’m better than I have been, especially post-gluten. I’ll be wearing heels at Romantic Times Convention, and that’s something I haven’t done for two years. I still overall have a lot of energy, more than I used to. I feel, though, that there is a kind of pendulum of hope and despair, and I live in neither place. I shouldn’t live in either one. I don’t want to live only for the day in the future when I am “okay again.” Neither do I want to fear the descent into death.

I feel like I have to live right now, where I am. That this has to be okay. I can strive for improvement, but at my weight, healthy, ability level now I must feel I have done my best and see good things. I don’t think the hope is bad, and really, neither is the despair. They’re reminders to strive and not to put my head in the sand. But mostly I am where I am right now.

And really, now is pretty good. I want to hold onto that as much as I can.

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