Neck Race

Today I feel sluggish and tired and I woke with my neck, the side he did all the laser on, throbbing. In the past this has meant I end up barely able to function by the end of the day.  We’ll see how this goes.

***

Food: blueberry kale smoothie with fish oil, coffee (I can’t remember what pod), granola

Drugs Overnight: Zyrtec, Trazodone, Singulair, Benadryl

Drugs AM: Zyrtec, 4IB, 1 sudafed

Symptoms: IB got pain, and sudafed seems to have helped swelling, but very head-foggy and fingers feel fat and unresponsive. Feel like I’m fighting mentally to focus, respelling a lot of words, mild aphasia. Turning my head is okay but staring at the computer is hell. Have urge to nap but am not really tired.

***

Tempted to lie on neck thing and watch some TV to see what that affects. Killer is I feel all foggy like I took Vicodin, two of them, but I’ve taken none.

Also tempted to take a prednisone, as I have this feeling it would help, but everyone is always on my case not to take it, and what if I need it tomorrow when I go to Iowa City? Better not.

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Sometimes I Pretend.

Food: Blueberry-kale smoothie with fish oil, Butter Toffee coffee pod

Drugs: Overnight—Zyrtec, Benadryl, Singulair, Trazodone, SS. Morning—Zyrtec, 4 IB

Symptoms: Sore right side of back, slight soreness in right arm

***

This morning I did this thing I do sometimes, which is where I decide maybe I’ve reached some turnaround point and everything will be okay. Why I thought this when I had pain in my back and arm enough to take drugs, I don’t know. But I do this sometimes, ride a ray of hope where I imagine myself in one of those amazing post-pictures on a bike all thin and buff.  The funny thing is I do its opposite too, where I flail in despair and fear I will only get worse and die at forty-five.

The truth is, I’m pretty sure I’m better than I have been, especially post-gluten. I’ll be wearing heels at Romantic Times Convention, and that’s something I haven’t done for two years. I still overall have a lot of energy, more than I used to. I feel, though, that there is a kind of pendulum of hope and despair, and I live in neither place. I shouldn’t live in either one. I don’t want to live only for the day in the future when I am “okay again.” Neither do I want to fear the descent into death.

I feel like I have to live right now, where I am. That this has to be okay. I can strive for improvement, but at my weight, healthy, ability level now I must feel I have done my best and see good things. I don’t think the hope is bad, and really, neither is the despair. They’re reminders to strive and not to put my head in the sand. But mostly I am where I am right now.

And really, now is pretty good. I want to hold onto that as much as I can.

Nobody Here But Us Fishes.

Food: blueberry-kale smoothie with fish oil, Butter Toffee coffee pod, Ginger Peach green tea

Drugs: overnight: Zyrtec, Benadryl, Singulair, SS, Trazadone. This morning: Zyrtec, prednisone (one)

Sleep: 7 hours, lots of waking during the night, intense dreams

Symptoms: Lip pretty swollen this morning. Responded to prednisone pretty quickly. Generalized soreness but nothing bad. Feet a little funky-feeling but not bad.

***

I’m kind of digging that there’s nobody here, really. I see some likes of posts and a few subscribers, but with my other blog at 2k and 60 hits after a week of not posting anything, this feels cool, like I’m off in the woods building a fort. I’m not sure how interesting this is, reading my food and health diary. At some point I’ll fess up to writing this, but I don’t anticipate people coming in droves, ever. Which feels awesome.

I have a day full of time ahead of me–an appointment later today, which can be flexible. Dan is off work today, which always means I’m tempted to go hang out with him instead of working, but what I might do is make a show or something part of a break.

First, though, I have to work. Which means I have to go back downstairs and get my headphones, or see if I could get Dan to bring them to me.

Good Morning, Sunshine.

I set this post up last night so it would stare at me with that cheeky title in the morning and make me enter everything.

Drugs: 

  • PM:Benadryl, IB (2), Zyrtec, Trazodone, stool soft, Singulair
  • AM: Zyrtec, SS

Food: Starbucks caramel coffee pod, Blueberry-kale smoothie + fish oil, Yogi Peach Detox tea

Sleep: 6 hours, uninterrupted, home

Symptoms: Right wrist very sore, aching arm to elbow and even above. Right top of foot still feels odd and I walk funny, but no discernible pain except for arm. Feeling pretty perky despite wishing I had more sleep. No sluggishness, no brain fog.

***

Initially this morning my thought is I wonder if the more-vegan diet will continue to help with the fog. I think it’s probably a low sugar thing. I’ve been putting maple syrup in my smoothie because I’ve been cutting out the second fruit, but I think with the kale leaves there’s so much fiber the sugar effect is nil. Also that it’s been four or five days in a row now of both smoothies and fish oil might be part of my success story.

That’s pretty much the sum of me right now. Feeling slightly tired but happy, no frustration this morning. Have chiro later and talk therapy at one, and picking up Anna at 2:50. Dan is folding laundry, so my greatest challenge today is feeding Anna and I for dinner and getting to all my errands. I’m feeling like I can shower now and alternate promo/background work with cranking out a few #1k1hr sessions. Probably want to take the time to stretch out my neck, legs, arms.

Really, really feeling like this chair is not my friend. I noticed yesterday in the car how much I liked sitting in the contoured seat of the Camry, how good that felt on my back and legs. I want to get that kneeling chair so much. I’m not sure what kind of help it will be, but I want to try it. The second a royalty check comes in, I’m all over that.

 

This is harder than it looks.

Food: Breakfast: clementine, 4 oz my granola, Tulsi Sweet Rose tea

Sleep: 7 hours, uninterrupted, my bed

Drugs

  • At bedtime -Zyrtec, Singulair, Trazadone, Benadryl, Stool Softner (too much Vicodin and Skelaxin yesterday/last few days), Skelaxin, 4 Ibuprofen. 
  • Morning-Zyretc. Conteplating steroid but putting it off.

Activity Yesterday: Returned from Iowa City visit: hotel, Hans’s house, two hour drive. Worked on laptop in car but very sleepy. Napped, worked at computer two-three hours, but overall very sluggish. Strange hunger variations. General feeling of exhaustion, stress because Anna needed parenting and house needed cleaning. Feet numb and cold but only in perception, not to touch. Hot bath helped but sapped last of my energy. Watched several movies but should have been in bed at eight. Stayed up to be with Anna, help give cat fluids when Dan came home, and to be bucky and decided I didn’t need to rest, I guess. Ate erratically. Would vacillate from not feeling hungry to eating whole bowl of popcorn and wanting salt desperately to the point I considered eating it straight. Ate ice cream and cookies though I suspected it would exacerbate my situation, but angry and cranky and ate them anyway, because, fuck it.

Symptoms This Morning: Left leg very numb. Sitting aggravates. Back of left thigh beginning under what this site is calling the Ischium. Would buy that ligament is in trouble. Whole leg feels moderately to severely numb, particularly down the back of the thigh and both sides of the shin and the top of my left foot. However, this very much feels like randomly it could switch to the right side of my body.  Right foot at present only moderately numb, on top near big toe. Neck is fine, though shoulders already sore from being at computer. 

***

I’m starting this blog because I need to keep track of that stuff above, but it’s both boring and terrifying and for a decade I’ve processed that stuff on a blog. I still do on occasion post on my regular blog about health stuff, and while readers seem to often enjoy it, I want to post here more than is probably wise on something which is mean to promote my career. Plus I don’t want my illness to eclipse my work. I’m not my illness, and I don’t ever want to be. But sitting to write it is proving hard, because simply chronicling things makes me angry. Here’s hoping this venue proves therapeutic.

Yesterday felt like a lot of fail. Despite napping and attempting to modify, mostly I felt like I failed miserably. Today I feel much more rested, but my legs are bothering me quite a bit, and I think though I’m not experiencing pain my head isn’t quite right either. Every time I move too fast or try to change laundry everything feels like a strain. 

I think sometimes what bothers me most is remembering when none of this happened. I think actually I’ve always had this, but it didn’t used to be this bad. I remember being able to pick things up and haul them and walk endlessly and not get any more tired than any out of shape person. Little things like dishes and chores–I don’t want to do them any more than anyone does, but I wish I didn’t have to face each one with an assessment of what it will cost me with no real guide map as to what is and isn’t a good idea.

What’s bothering me a lot today is I feel like I’m admitting what I feared I’d have to when I cut gluten back in October. I worried at some point I’d plateau again and regress. In so many ways I’m better, because I don’t get that horrible back pain, and I’m not as exhausted, but yesterday reminded me that a simple overnight to a town two hours away can exhaust me. That sometimes my plans to work, write, answer email and in general exist in a semi-mainstream fashion will be either clumsy or shattered, and I can’t do anything about that.

Also bothering me today is my weight. I have a lot of anger about not understanding what I can eat and not feeling like anyone will really tell me. At best I feel like I should try the Fuhrman diet again, except I’m aware of how impossible that makes it for me to eat, being gluten free and vegan-whole foods, and I’m exhausted before I try. It’s one thing at home, but for example, today I need to take Anna to the barn. The driving, the being in an allergen environment is another story altogether—but I want to take her. I want to go. Except I have to think, now, about what happens if I’m hungry in a desert where everyone else can eat anywhere they want.

I think this is what makes me so upset lately. I was making Anna food the other day, and it struck me how odd it was to have to view as poison for me what I could make as dinner for my child. To be at a restaurant and not relax and eat but worry about every ingredient, every label, every micro aspect of eating. It’s the loneliness of it. The feeling of separation, of being apart from what everyone else can enjoy.

Sometimes the greatest challenge is not making every loaf of wheat bread, every set of stairs, every load of laundry a metaphor for my exclusion. In September I was terrified by the thought the doctors might tell me within a few years I wouldn’t be able to drive my daughter anywhere, let alone take her to see her horse. Today that fear is buried far down, and I’m angry and hurt we can’t eat together at Subway like I know she wants. It’s hard not to focus on the things I can’t do instead of those I can, those I do.

Here’s some irony for you. As I’ve sat here writing this, the tightness and tension in my left leg below my knee has deeply abated. It remains in my left thigh in the back, by that ligament, but that’s it. Oh fine, when I flex my ankle it feels tight and strange, like something half asleep that doesn’t want to wake up. But it doesn’t hurt. Not like it did.

I think I’m going to go make my smoothie and do ten minutes on the elliptical to stretch my legs out. Then I need to tackle my to do list. I think I have good odds with it today.